I have a view of pristine forest and a vast oceanic expanse. The sunsets are red, marvelous, uplifting, Divine! The house is open air – no windows where the view is just wood to stand on and half a wall dividing the living room from the bedroom. Outside is a garden filled with little pineapple bushes (did you know pineapple grows on bushes?), bamboo, papaya trees and other herbs and plants. There is also a coconut opening station!

All this has proved to me once and for all that wherever you go, there you are! Can you believe I feel restless when I lay on the hammock? Can you believe that I walk around looking for something to distract myself from myself? Chocolate, watermelon, tobacco, Maya, TV, anything to not experience the noise, mental badgering and self dialog that is constantly on rampage inside.

It is similar to a silent retreat in that way. You get to really see what is going on inside. The actual answer to, ‘why am I not happy?’ At least at retreats there is structure. The mind likes structure. It knows what it is doing next and it’s at least quiet on that front. Here it is just me. Me and nothing. No direction, no need for anything, no chore to do. What is so scary about that anyway?!

So I decided to blog.